I, Computer
by Tyler Bateman Esq
Summary: Holly is six million years in deep space and is looking for the perfect person to keep Lister sane. Slashy rather then full SLASH.


**I, Computer**

**Author's note: It's half six in the evening, I'm bored and that bastard R Kelly is on the radio. So, decided to excrete this out. This is serious fluff. Pick it iff and throw it away at will. Enjoy!**

Holly was finding the whole situation quite frustrating. The past six million years had seen him floating aimlessly into the outreaches of deepest deep space with only numerous piles of powdered humans and a third technician wholed up in stasis for company. To be honest though, he did feel sorry for the third technician known as Lister. All this wasn't his fault. Yes, it could be argued that him being put into Stasis was his fault, what with the cat and everything, but the rest wasn't. 

Now, here Holly was with the excruciating task of deciding whether he should let Lister out of Stasis or simply shoot him out into deep space and activate Red Dwarf's self-destruct mechanism. The former option didn't hold much fun and neither did the latter. _The big problem with letting Dave out_, Holly thought, _was that he would clearly go space mad within 48 hours_. Holly let out an un-heard sigh and began wiring up the self destruct mechanism. Then, it hit him. Six million years in space had helped him to completely forget that he was capable of producing... helium. No, that wasn't it. Haggis? Close, but it probably wasn't food related. Holograms! Holly could project a hologram! With a hologram for company, Dave was less likely to go space mad. Brilliant. Fan-bloody-tastic. Now, here came the cruncher... Who to project?

Holly began to scan through his personnel files. Somewhere amongst these fine upstanding members of the Jupiter Mining Core was someone who would make a perfect crew mate for Lister. After looking at those files, Holly decided it may be best to look at those personnel members who were less than upstanding. Lister's three drinking buddies, Peterson et al, were out of the question. The last thing Holly needed was to give Lister a reason to stumble down the path of non-sobriety for the rest of his life. Holly continued to search.

Noonan? Too deluded.

Bateman? 'Nuff said.

Scavenger? Too unstable

Doe? Yeah, that would work. Not.

Nightshade? Let us go no further.

Jolie? Too ex-girlfriend.

Rimmer? Hmm, Rimmer...

Holly uploaded Rimmer's hologram in his and Dave's old quarters.

"What's going on, Holly?" Rimmer asked, spinning around to take in his surroundings. "There was an explosion. The drive plates! Oh, God, am I dead?"

"Yes." Holly replied,

Rimmer's whole face sagged like a bloodhound's.

"Well, that was a bit short and sharp, wasn't it? You could have broken it to me gently. You'd make a swell doctor wouldn't you? 'Tell me the truth doctor. Is there any hope for me?'. 'Nah, mate, you're gonna lose a lung'."

"Look, Arnold, I've uploaded you as a hologram for a reason. I've chosen you out of all the crew to look after Dave when he comes out of Stasis."

Rimmer's nostrils flared and his eyebrows arched. Holly knew he was about to get a bollocking for something, but he couldn't be arsed to think what about.

"Oooooh, so Listy's alive, is he?" Rimmer sneered. "Well, that's just _marvellous_, isn't it? I tell you what let's just have a little party for him when he comes out. Well done, Listy! Your blatant disregard for rules has meant that you now have one over me. You can breathe. That's just bloody fantastic."

Holly's voice boomed and reverberated around the quarters.

"Arnold Judas Rimmer! Do not confuse me with a Sinclair ZX81!"

The whole of Rimmer's body went rigid.  If Holly didn't know any better, he could have sworn that Rimmer whimpered. The way things were going Holly was never find out whether Rimmer was suitable to look after Lister. Which was a shame because he seemed like the perfect choice. After all, who would know Lister better then his own room mate? Holly decided that now was the time to be sneaky. In the space of a nanosecond Holly rewired Rimmer's brain. He would now only be able to tell the truth, no matter what.

"Right, let's try this again." Holly sighed, "Rimmer, you're dead. Lister is alive. I need you to look after him so he doesn't go space mad. Are you up for the task?"

Rimmer looked into Holly's eyes on the monitor. Holly wasn't sure, but, brain fiddle or not, Rimmer wasn't acting right. Not right at all.

"Lister's alive?" Rimmer asked sincerely.

"Yep, he's locked in stasis." Holly replied. 

"Thank God." Rimmer sighed happily.

"Sorry, Arnold? It sounds like your relieved."

"I am. Very much so."

Rimmer leaned in towards Holly's monitor till they looked co-conspirators in a clandestine chat.

"The truth is. I really like David."

"Thought so." Holly smiled.

"No, Holly. I mean... Oh God, this sounds silly, but I _really_ like him. Y'see?"

Holly frowned for a minute or two until finally realisation dawned on him.

"Oh, you _really_ like him." he smiled.

"Very much so. I always have. I don't know how to explain it... He's funny. He's carefree. Smeg, he's everything... He's everything I want to be."

"But I didn't think your bread was buttered that way, Arnold. What about McGruder?"

"Let's just say.. My bread is buttered on both sides." Rimmer said with a sly wink.

Holly let out a laugh and winked back.

"So all this venom towards him is just an act?"

"Well, of course it is. Christ, could you imagine if I came out to him? He and his friends would have a good laugh wouldn't they? I'd never live it down."

"But you'll look after him now, won't you? Arnold, you and me are all he's got now."

"It would be an honour. Just promise me you won't disclose any of our conversation with him."

"Cross my circuits and hope to have my RAM crash."

"Great." Rimmer beamed.

A nanosecond later and Holly, reluctantly, returned Rimmer back to his original settings. Holly asked him again if he would be there for Lister. Rimmer begrudgingly said yes, but only if Holly didn't shout at him again. Holly left Rimmer to reacquaint himself with his old quarters and set about releasing Dave. All in all, Holly thought, I've made the right choice there. Especially when Rimmer finds out about Dave's appreciation of men and attraction for Rimmer. Holly let out a digitised giggle when he thought about what it might take to actually get those two to be honest with each other. After his giggle had subsided he returned his attention to Lister.

"David Lister, it is now safe for you to emerge form stasis. Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing."


End file.
